I made it back to Mississippi yesterday. I had waffled on when I was coming, trying to figure out timing so that I could be here when it’s most crucial for the family to be together. Not knowing which way this is going and when while living 400 miles away, timing is important. I don’t know if I got it exactly right but I’ll never regret being able to support my Mom or the time I got to spend with my Dad yesterday when I arrived and hope to spend with him today.
Since he has a respirator tube in his mouth, he is unable to talk. He can mouthe up a storm but since there is a large white, plastic piece blocking his mouth and no air comes out, it’s impossible to know what he’s saying. So far, that little fact hasn’t deterred him from trying!
This means his communication to us is relegated to the tedious process of writing out everything very slowly and with shaky hands from a prone position. Suffice it to say, communication is difficult but so very worth it!
At this point, we have absolutely no idea what is going to happen next. Dad indicated to me, “I may not win this battle,” but is at absolute peace if he doesn’t. We both agreed that, whichever way this goes, he cannot lose. When I asked if there was any fear should he not, he adamantly shook his head. He is ready to go, but I think not quite yet. Thus the uncertainty.
Perhaps we’ll get more clarity today, but the options now before us seem to be to replace the tube in his mouth with another tracheostomy in his throat which would be a longer process of trying to be weaned off that as we did before or to remove the tube now, give him oxygen through his nose and make him comfortable, medically, until his lungs can no longer naturally process the gas build-up.
Either way, unless God decides to heal Dad’s lungs, the result is the same. The only question is when. The latter happens within hours or days and most likely in the hospital. The former could end in comfort care at home and take weeks. Of course, the third possibility is that his organs begin to fail, then decision will be made for us. None is easy.
I think Dad knows what he wants to do in that he seemed to indicate that he still has some fight in him, but of course that can change and, communication being as challenging as it is, may have been misinterpreted. Until then, we wait and pray—for him and for ourselves. Our options are limited but our God is not, so my trust is in Him.
My siblings have agreed that the decision is Mom and Dad’s to make. We are here to simply love and support them in whatever way we can and give any perspective we may have if asked.
We appreciate your continued prayer and kind words of support. We’ll try to keep you up-to-date. I’ve been writing a few other things as I’m reflecting on the lessons I’m learning or thoughts I’m having through all of this. Perhaps I’ll share those with you from time-to-time over the next couple of days. The most important thing to me, though, is to share our need for your prayer support. It is truly a gift from God to us and we are very grateful for you!
